if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
