ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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