omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
