my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
