she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
