I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
PANTIES FOUND
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