I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
