if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
