M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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