hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
