I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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