Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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