Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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