The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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