I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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