I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
