Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
All I want is dick and wine.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
