im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
