If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize