Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you will always have a special place in my vag
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
