There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
