I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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