He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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