i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
These tits shall not be calmed
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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