I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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