I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
