If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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