I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize