nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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