Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
