ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
