Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
