there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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