You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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