Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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