Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
