I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
