everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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