your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize