I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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