I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
