I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
