new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
