When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
