I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
