I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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