We named our party play list daddy issues
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
