I cannot find my penis.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
