I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
