I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
