what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
