So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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