9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
