he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
