you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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