there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
