Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
