Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
