he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
