rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize