My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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