theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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