I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
